Breathe Again
by GoBrookeYourself
Summary: And there has always been heartache and pain. And when it’s over you’ll breathe again. You’ll breathe again.


**Summary**: And there has always been heartache and pain. And when it's over you'll breathe again. You'll breathe again.  
**Rating**: K or K  
**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. But honestly any site that would need disclaimers…has too many firkin lawyers.  
**Background:**Basically a CBN story :D  
**AN**; So some of you might have gotten an alert in your email about this story, but I removed it because I didn't like it…lol. So yeah…I hope you guys review and tell me if I should continue. Because honestly, I get really discouraged if no one reviews :( ! I hope you enjoy though!

**Lexi. **

_---------0---------_

**Breathe Again**

She pushed passed the all the people, all of which were wearing black. Some were talking, some were eating, and others were mostly just sitting around. Nobody was crying. What was there to cry about? You couldn't cry for someone you never knew. And she doubted most people in the room even knew how her best friend looked like. They were only there because it was the famous Van der Woodsens.

She quickly sidestepped the waiters, all carrying trays of Caviar and Hor' Devours. As she walked across the hall, she couldn't help but think how beautiful the living room looked, for a funeral. Sheer black sating hung down from the curtains, blocking the outside sun. The chandeliers hung low and dim, casting shadows of someone if they so much as scrunched there noses. The table was full of foods to satisfy the kings, the silverware was all jutted with sparkling jewels, and at each place was a small complimentary gift.

Blair tried to keep quite as her heals made clicking noises on the porcelain tiled beneath her. Walking across the familiar dining room, she walked to the kitchen. Nobody looked her way, gave her a second glance. And she liked it that way. It would make things a lot more bearable. She would feel a lot less…guilty if nobody looked her way.

She glanced quickly around the kitchen, and he heart stopped as she saw who she was looking for. The woman was smiling and giving hugs as people came up to give their condolences. Blair walked slowly forth, stopping behind an old lady, who Blair recognized to be Serena's grandmother.

Blair had been fine. She had been fine when she had gotten the call from her mother. She had been fine when she bought the ticket, and had boarded the plane. She thought she could do it. Now seeing, Lily van der Woodsen in front of her she wasn't so sure.

"Blair?" The woman asked shocked, seeing her daughter's best friend for the first time in years. Blair could see tear streaks down Lily's face. And she was suddenly guilty of the lack…or no…tears she had shed.

Blair nodded softly, glancing down at her feet. She couldn't quite bring herself to look in to the woman's eyes, "How are you, Mrs. van der Woodsen?" She asked politely shuffling somewhat uncomfortably.

Blair quickly glanced up horrified. How could she ask a question like that? Of course she wasn't fine, her daughter had just died. Her expression must have showed, because Lily chuckled softly, "I'm holding up just fine, darling."

"How's Eric?" Blair asked going down the list of people she could ask about before she knew she would have to mention…what happened.

Lily paused thinking about her son, "He's…not doing so well. He's taking this hard. He was very close to his sister."

All Blair could do was nod. She couldn't seem to speak much, a big lump had settled down in her throat and it hurt, it was screaming for her to cry. But she wouldn't cry. She hadn't cried five years ago, and she sure as hell wasn't going to cry now.

"I must say, it's quite the shock to see you here, Blair." Lily said cutting into her thoughts.

It **was **quite the shock. She didn't know what made her get on that plane and fly back here. She didn't think she would ever be able to come back to this place. Too much had happened here. Too much stuff that she just couldn't face. She was a coward, and she knew it.

"I'm so sorry about…what happened." Blair finally mumbled, ignoring Lily's comment about seeing her. Lily looked at her, with an eyebrow quirked. This was the first time she had seen Blair Waldorf in years. She had changed, she could tell right away.

"So, how have you been?"

Blair smiled a little. She didn't know how she was. Blair had never been one to show her feelings, and that was mainly because she didn't really know if she had feelings. She never really understood what exactly she was feeling. Blair Waldorf never did feelings. And over the years, she perfected the whole 'numbing' thing.

"I've been good. I have a great job…California is great…things have been great." She finished with extra exaggeration to 'great.'

Lily smiled sadly, "That's good. She was worried about you. She would have been happy to know that you were alright."

Damn that guilt. Blair fingered the hem of her sleeve, as she wished for that burning in her stomach to go away. She wasn't supposed to feel guilty, after all she wasn't the first to leave. Blair shook her head of that thought, and turned back to her best friend's mother. "Well, I have to get going. It was great seeing you," Blair said smiling softly and reached over to hug the older woman.

Lily was a little caught off gaurs but she mumbled back, "It was great seeing you too, Blair."

Blair smiled again politely and rushed out off the kitchen, and passed the crowded foyer and was out the door. Standing alone in the elevator Blair's thought wandered to her best friend. The last time she would ever see her.

_Blair shivered silently at her feet as the men loaded her luggage into the compartment off her private jet. She couldn't help feel relieved as she watched her things being packed away. She knew she was a coward for doing this. She knew it. And she hated herself for it._

_But this wasn't how things were supposed to end up. Blair had had a plan, and now it was ruined. All because of a drunk night at a night club…_

_And now she was doing the only thing she could think off, starting over. Writing a new plan. Blair slowly put a hand to her belly rubbing it slowly. And this time it would be error proof. _

"_Blair?" A gentle voice had called out. She immediately took her hand off of her stomach and glanced up to see her best friend walking over to her. _

"_What?" Blair called out, aggravated. Serena being here would only make things harder. "You want a lift to JFK?" she asked a little bitterly. _

_Serena stopped in front of her and sighed, "Your mom said you were going to France tonight,"_

_Blair scoffed as she looked up at the night sky, "Yeah," she said glancing back at the blonde's face, "Well she has a big mouth," _

"_I'm your best friend, she was shocked I didn't know."_

_Blair scoffed a little. "Yeah well now you do." _

_Serena glanced at her and said with a heavy voice, "What I know is how you felt when I left without telling you,"_

_Blair didn't say anything but continued to look at Serena. Serena knew nothing about how she had felt. When Serena had left it had been different. A lot different. "Look is there a reason you're here?"_

"_Stay," Serena blurted out suddenly. "Don't leave."_

Blair suddenly jolted forward as the elevator came to a sudden stop. She had left, because she was Blair Waldorf, and she couldn't afford any mistakes. Or anybody knowing she had made a mistake.

A new life would mean, new friends, friends that didn't know her at all. And that's exactly what she wanted. They wouldn't have to know that she slept with her ex-boyfriend's best friend, and then hooked up with her ex-boyfriend, and then had gotten pregnant. It was like something straight out of a movie.

A mistake.

Blair hailed a taxi, and told the driver her…her mom's address. She settled back in the backseat, and glanced at the window. New York was the same as when she had left it five years ago.

Te bustling people carrying shopping bags with one hand, texting with their other hand. Blair smiled a little, she used to be like this. She remembered when she had lived for texting and gossip. When she breathed shopping and going to expensive boutiques.

She wondered what had happened to her. She couldn't care less anymore, and her outfit she had on showed it. She had on a simple black pencil skirt, and white trimmed black blouse. Her hair was let loose, and combed half heartedly.

Times change.

She sighed as she pulled a loose strand of hair behind her ear, and caught her tired eyes staring back at her in the rear view mirror.

And so do people.

_---------0---------_

Blair pushed open the door to the pent house door, and walked inside the airy foyer as she called out, "Mom, I'm home," she dropped her purse by the doorway and took the heals off of her already aching feet.

"Blair is that you?" Her mom's elegant voice called out from the living room. "Look, darling, your mother's home," Blair could hear her mother's voice, and a second later a small brunette girl was flying across the tiles towards her mom.

"Mommy!" Blair laughed as she grabbed her daughter up into a hug, and kissed the top of her brown curls. The five year old squealed and wrapped her arms tightly around Blair's neck.

"Hi, honey, were you good for Grandma Eleanor?" She smiled at her daughter in her arms, and walked back into the living room were her mother was sitting with a tray of tea on the table.

"Yeah, mommy, grandma got me a coset," Brooke said with a look of all seriousness in her voice.

"A what?" Blair asked as she set her daughter down and sat on the huge sofa, across from her mother.

It was Eleanor that answered, while sipping her tea, "A corset, dear."

Blair glanced at her mother over the rim of her tea cup, "Mother, you brought my five year old daughter a corset?" Blair couldn't help but keep the annoyance in her voice.

"Yes, darling I did." Eleanor said and sipped her cup again.

Blair scoffed, her mother was honestly too much of a bitch for her own good. "Mother, she's five years old!"

"It's never too early to learn how to be a lady," Eleanor said while setting her cup down on it's plate. She glanced at her daughter and looked her up and down, Blair could almost taste her mother's disapproval, "Or too late,"

Blair laughed a little as she set her teacup down, "Still as infuriating as ever." Blair said as she stood up eyeing her mom.

"Darling, I'm just saying. Maybe you should care a little more about how you look, and then maybe you can get a perfect gentleman and settle down, finally." Eleanor met her daughter's gaze with equal force.

"Well, some people have more important things to care about." Blair walked over to her daughter who was playing with an elegant parceling doll house that used to be Blair's. "Come on, sweetie, let's go to bed,"

Brooke instantly jumped up and grabbed Blair's outstretched hand. "Mommy, can I try on my coset?" She asked and Blair smiled softly down at her before throwing a look back her mom.

"It's a corset dear. And only ladies wear them," Blair said and she knew her mother had heard her.

Blair knew she was being a bitch. She knew her mother had helped her more than anyone over the years. But a part of her couldn't help but feel her mother was only helping her because she was her mother. Blair sighed as she picked Brooke up and held her close to her. "Mommy, I like it here." Brooke mumbled into Blair chest.

Blair smiled gently and settled her daughter down into the comforter's, "Grandma Eleanor is really nice,"

She nodded and slowly rubbed he daughter's back, humming a soft lullaby. If anyone had told Blair that in five years she would be single, with a dead best friend, a mother that disapproved of her very existence, and a five year old daughter, she would have laughed in their face and said in five years she would be twenty-one.

"Mommy?" A sleepy voice called to her, and Blair glanced down at her daughter who was looking at her with sleep eyes.

"What, sweetie?" Blair asked with a tired voice as she lovingly stroked Brooke's face.

"How come I don't have a daddy?"

Blair withdrew her hand startled, "Honey, you've asked me this before. Don't you remember what I told you?" her daughter had asked her a million times why Anna had a daddy that came to her tee-ball games, and she didn't. Or why Jessi's dad picked her up after school, and her dad never did.

"Yeah that Daddy works a lot, and he doesn't have time to see us. But he loves me a lot."

Blair nodded silently, as she willed herself not to cry. She hated lying to her daughter like this, but what was she supposed to say? That she didn't even know who her daddy was, and even if she did, it's not like he would even look at her again.

"Sweetie, it's time to go to bed ok?" Blair felt Brooke squirm around in the bed a little. "Good night, baby. I love you," Blair bent down and kissed the top of her daughter's head and smiled a little.

"I love you too, Mommy,"

Suddenly Blair couldn't keep her eyes open any longer, as the energy she ha drained out of her. This is how she usually found herself at the end of the day, so tired she couldn't see straight. She was tired…tired of lying to her daughter everyday. She was tired of the guilt, and the hurt. But as a small body snuggled in closer to her, she realized she didn't really care.

Brooke was the reason why she could fall asleep at night, and wake up in the morning. She was the reason why she could keep going, and look back at the same time. She was the reason why she always saw the sun. Brooke was her piece of heaven.

"Mommy?"

Brooke glanced back tiredly as she hugged Brooke close, "sweetie, you really need to get to bed,"

But mommy, Casey said I couldn't come over to her house because her mommy and daddy don't come home until real late. What time will Daddy come home from work?"

Blair's breath caught in her throat as she held her daughter close to her. "Soon, honey, he'll come home soon."

Lies. She knew they were. But what could she do? And for the first time in five years, Blair Waldorf let a tear slide down her face.

"Ok, mommy. I love you,"

Quickly she wiped away that one tear and turned around to face the door. She wouldn't cry.

_And there has always been heartache and pain  
And when its over you'll breathe again  
You'll breathe again_


End file.
